djinn's struggle between nature and reason.

the maintenance of balance

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Well, well, well...

Here we are again my old friend. Early morning/late night on my old, trusty laptop...typing away @ my insides with a cup of chamomile tea trying to hush my body to sleep. Only this time, it's a little different. No longer am I in the parking lot taxing a random WAP...but in the house of my finacee's family. 17 weeks pregnant to the date.

I must say that these past several weeks have not been easy. When I decided to go through with it I was ecstatic for 2 weeks. Nothing could stop me. The wheels were turning, plans being formed -- a wedding, showers, a new place, supplies for the baby, all organic home-cooked diet... It was too good to be true.

Sure enough, I crashed...nose dived. Who was I to think I could do it without meds? A little too idealistic I suppose. I was convinced @ one point my entire diagnosis was because my body so badly wanted to have a child and this had solved that issue. Oh no gyn...sorry, doesn't quite work that way.

It started with a cold that transformed and mutated to other symptoms. I felt useless which sure enough triggered other things that could have been left dormant. After a week and a half of this torture...I started feeling better physically, but worst inside. I went back on the med that was untested because it had a faster kick-in rate. The other one would take 4 weeks to start working and trust me, I didn't have that long. I was on the edge of quitting. I couldn't get into staff were losing respect in me. I couldn't face them or the guests without a frown. It was horrible, terrible, tortuous!

So after a couple days of taking it, I was better. So much better! Back to normal. Soaring like icky in the sky with diamonds and waxed wings. 2 weeks of this goodness -- organic, planned home cooked meals, grocery shopping, working out @ the gym with my trainer, getting the cafe back in shape

Here we go again with the cycle of being and feeling useless. Physical illness slowly turning into internal illness...plaguing myself and all those around me including my cafe. I avoid all friends and family for want of protecting them from this negative energy. Want of quit again. Recognizing I need to put systems in place to manage this...i increase the med again and after only 1 week this time, I'm better.

So yes...this has been a rollercoaster, but things are slowly falling into place.

Slowly but surely.

Appt tomorrow...checking out riverdale on wed and seeing the midwife.

Hopefully getting an ultrasound next week to find out the gender.

Things are coming together...definitely...finally!

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