djinn's struggle between nature and reason.

the maintenance of balance

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summer, boozin, [not] smokin'; a conversation with myself on dating and current situation.
It's been a while, hasn't it?

Summer's been a blast. The healthiest, and 2nd most fun summer ever (last year being the first though it was crazy, sick, and had not-so-great reprecussions).
Not much has been going on, chillin' and what not. Went camping the last week of August. Made some new best friends :)

I've consciously been cutting down on the drinking. Now it's only 1-3x/week rather than 3-6x/week. It's not summer summer anymore. Sure, weeks like this it's definately still patio time know what I'm sayin'. PLUS! School starts for me on Wednesday. I gotta recover those brain cells, you know?

I've also pretty much quit smoking! Only in social situations do i have a cigarette (i.e. mostly when consuming alcohol and others around me have smokes).

I will not ever buy a pack unless I owe people some lest certain persons throw, break, and hide them...

Found out someone really close to me is passing away and it's hard to watch, to bear...and the stress that filters down through the family can be more than frustrating -- People taking their anger out on also doesn't help that my manager at work is pregnant and due in a month...with her mood swings and all. And my sensitivity to it...

I'm doing my best not to let it affect me. Sometimes I pop ativans...the literal chill pill. It makes me drowsy though so it's not always ideal. But it's kinda like booze and pot in a pill in the sense it kinda makes everything go away temporarily :P

It's hard for me to talk about it to others because I don't want to be a downer, a burden. You know how I'm always a happy ball of wouldn't be good to be a negative ball of energy, would it? But friends are supposed to be there for you and stuff...blah. Anyways...

Been thinking of entering the dating scene again for the first time in 2 or so years, but I don't know how to go about doing it. I also do like someone a lot...but don't seem to see it materializing...because...well...stuff. It never works out with people I like, or so it seems.

'that's not true'

ok, you're right...but this time it's different. he's different. So to get over it, or off my mind...why not see other people?

'Because gynee...that'd be unfair to the other person'

true, but then how do i put an end to this (perhaps even more than an...) infatuation?

'ride it out. maybe something will come of it. maybe you're not ready for anything else. the right person will be able to sweep you off your feet and turn your eyes if he isn't already...'

>> who said talking to yourself is a bad thing?'re right. I guess with winter coming...I'd like someone to hibernate with. Also...i miss the little things again. Someone to watch a movie with...have a drink with whenever. A shoulder to rest my head on, a hand to hold, an arm to take -- A face to beam smile at. Someone's lap to lay on, someone's fingers running through my hair...quietly reassuring (without words) everything is going to be ok. The safety and security of being in someone's arms...someone who cares, and loves you. Nothing beats that.

'nothing but comfortable, confident independance. Sure it can get lonely sometimes...but at least life is easier, simpler...'

but is the simplicity and facility worth it? worth not having that? the greatest thing ever? companionship; love?

...and once again, the struggle ensues.

i want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real


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