djinn's struggle between nature and reason.

the maintenance of balance

update. waiting. holes. writing. me.
It's been a while since I've written here-even longer since I've published publically.

A lot has changed-I'm now a mother of 3 girls (3 yr, 20 mo twins) and a french (immersion) daycare provider. I'm fairly happy in my life with the exception of my emotional health. As someone put it, I'm «heartsick».

Yes, I'm still married and there are problems but help is being used; so really, it should just be a matter of time. It's the waiting game that kills though-waiting for Godot. Oh, Godot!

It's that hole in the pit of my stomach, my heart, my throat. Drowning it only works for so long...numbing can work too but...I ought to feel it, to relish in it...«war is a force that gives us meaning» anyway, right? Those feelings are what reminds us we're alive. It's not that hellish. After all, I've been through worst.

My body's catching up now...on all the sleep and rest I lost drowning & numbing. It was about...3 weeks of that? It feels good. Detox mode.

I'm trying to write more again. I am a writer. «To be a writer you must write».
I stopped full-stop after my diagnosis-after my recovery. I was scared to be brought back into the manic loop of questions that spiraled out of control 7 or so years ago. Despite its incredible helpfulness in the past, it was a trigger in that instance so i stopped. Writing is probably what kept me from cracking all those years...helped me process all the things I went through. I remember pretty much all of my past...endeavours? including those of the rave scene while many others I know have managed to block most of it out.

Are you kidding me? The rave years were my golden years despite my vices and delusions. I never felt so cool, so with it as I did then...and's a good training ground for how to deal with my kid @ that age should they have the tendencies I did.

«You're pretty much a 24 year old»

Yup. At 24 I got sick and much of my life after that has been learning to live with the «disorder»...learning how to live under the set of rules I was supposed to follow. Which, in the end, didn't make me happy because it just wasn't me...nor did I want to change. Balance, again is key. I don't want to fly into the sun...need to wear those shades and stay a safe distance. I got inked on my inner left forearm. This tattoo are what shades would have been to Icarus:

Listen Carefully. Act Accordingly.

It's what «God» i.e. my sub-conscious said to me at the pinnacle of my manic state.

After that, I was with that bf from grade school that was really into the clubbing scene. It was fun but...felt like I was going back in I had already experienced all that in my raving years.

Then, I got married and had kids and have since lost myself. So here I am...trying again to find the real me. The me that's not just a caregiver and wife. The me that believed at one point she's a bodhisvatta...that me. The kundalini me without hurting anyone or making a fool of myself...a fun me, but cautious?

I need to find that 24 year old gynee...and grow from it.
This is my task.
This is what will get me through this. This is what will distract me from the Waiting.

Turning inwards. <3

(no subject)
Well, well, well...

Here we are again my old friend. Early morning/late night on my old, trusty laptop...typing away @ my insides with a cup of chamomile tea trying to hush my body to sleep. Only this time, it's a little different. No longer am I in the parking lot taxing a random WAP...but in the house of my finacee's family. 17 weeks pregnant to the date.

I must say that these past several weeks have not been easy. When I decided to go through with it I was ecstatic for 2 weeks. Nothing could stop me. The wheels were turning, plans being formed -- a wedding, showers, a new place, supplies for the baby, all organic home-cooked diet... It was too good to be true.

Sure enough, I crashed...nose dived. Who was I to think I could do it without meds? A little too idealistic I suppose. I was convinced @ one point my entire diagnosis was because my body so badly wanted to have a child and this had solved that issue. Oh no gyn...sorry, doesn't quite work that way.

It started with a cold that transformed and mutated to other symptoms. I felt useless which sure enough triggered other things that could have been left dormant. After a week and a half of this torture...I started feeling better physically, but worst inside. I went back on the med that was untested because it had a faster kick-in rate. The other one would take 4 weeks to start working and trust me, I didn't have that long. I was on the edge of quitting. I couldn't get into staff were losing respect in me. I couldn't face them or the guests without a frown. It was horrible, terrible, tortuous!

So after a couple days of taking it, I was better. So much better! Back to normal. Soaring like icky in the sky with diamonds and waxed wings. 2 weeks of this goodness -- organic, planned home cooked meals, grocery shopping, working out @ the gym with my trainer, getting the cafe back in shape

Here we go again with the cycle of being and feeling useless. Physical illness slowly turning into internal illness...plaguing myself and all those around me including my cafe. I avoid all friends and family for want of protecting them from this negative energy. Want of quit again. Recognizing I need to put systems in place to manage this...i increase the med again and after only 1 week this time, I'm better.

So yes...this has been a rollercoaster, but things are slowly falling into place.

Slowly but surely.

Appt tomorrow...checking out riverdale on wed and seeing the midwife.

Hopefully getting an ultrasound next week to find out the gender.

Things are coming together...definitely...finally!

(no subject)
I'm @ a crossroads really.
I'm hurt I guess...feeling we're growing apart. A feeling all too familiar...that I don't really like, that I dread...really.

I'm trying so hard! Maybe that's a flaw in my personality, in my character... That I'm trying so hard.

Everything changes, gyn. Nothing is permanent; everything impermanent. It still hurts though. As much as i see the bigger much as I know things happen, happen for a reason and sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop happens. It tears my heart apart!

How are you gyn?

I'm...hurting inside, but trying to make the best of it.

What will it take for him to act?

Wow...what can I say's as though I have a constant flush upon my cheeks. *sigh*

My heart flutters every now and then with memories of three days...his smile, his face...his smooth skin against my cheek, his smell. Wow. I haven't been this smitten in quite some time...quite some time and must I say I'm really quite quite smitten. A smitten kitten. I glow according to some. Glow!

He says he's in it for the long term...that he wouldn't otherwise What a guy! What guy...yeah. :) So soon yet so good. So fast yet so right. I know I'm supposed to be feeling a little guilty given an almost 13 month relationship ended just a week ago and here I find myself absolutely floored by someone else at all. It just feels too... Though I must admit I'm a little hesitant at exposing myself completely for fear of burnage...however...I want to. I want to so badly.

But you know? It wasn't was there all along...a build up in denial. I was talking to Mare today about how surprised I am and sudden it all was. She said it wasn't...that it happened before I left but...yeah. Wow.

I'm getting my fairy tale I think...just in another form. Who flies 2000 miles to be with someone for 3 days? :) :D

Yes. He does. For me...
and with him
he's stolen...

my heart.



Stickshifts and Safetybelts are here to stay
The song that got me through the last trip now tears me apart.

When I told you about this song and how it reminded me of us, you said you didn't like was far too hillbilly. That hurt me. It's what got me through. Remembering how much that small distance between us in your car used to tear you apart. The tone happy yet a sense of necessity and desperation...anxiety in a way.

I'm so sorry for being far away.

I'm so sorry it had to end this way.

I'm so sorry I made you give up. Happy thoughts of us kept me going.

I just needed you to be there. I just needed you to still want me.

I guess...out of sight, out of mind worked for you.

Distance made my heart grow fonder...but not yours apparently.

I can't believe you gave up...after everything. After so long of waiting and finally being able to be together...after all these just gave up, just like that.

I'm okay most of the's just times like this...before I go to bed.

I'm sorry.

mad @ circumstance...
gynee! 2 entries in one day. Really, I do still have a life but...I need to vent.

Don't you hate it when things don't work out according to plan due to external circumstances you have no control over? Misdirected anger ensues...then furious drinking and smoking...only today, it was different. Instead of turning to the bottle, I went active instead. I need to work on this damn paper that was due on Thursday so I can't really afford to get trashed. I haven't ever worked out as furiously as I did today at home, nope, never. Always at the gym. Hey! It was productive. Now I remember why I hate anger...and how it's helped me become the person I am -- re-investing that energy into something positive, yes. This is good.

I feel really cheesy and cliche for writing this but man! was I only shows how much I care...I guess.

Perhaps this is a good thing.

Perhaps, just perhaps...this is teaching me not to fall too hard too fast. I've got to watch myself.

Though intensity is so astounding, so is also distracting, and at times, destructive.


Stupid stupid emo kid.

Stupid stupid bipolar grrrL.

Perfect quote here that G'Ohki wrote to me in a book (A short history of progress) he gave to me for my birthday:

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."

Yeah. so fuck you. FUCK YOU.

my blood is still boiling.

really, it's not directed at anyone.

dreams, einsteins, coincidences, cock.
What an odd odd evening.

It's been a while, I know. So quick catch up on my life...

I have a boyfriend for the first time in 2 years. He was my grade 8 first 'love' kind of. A fairy tale of sorts, really. A modern day one.
I'm really happy. He makes me happy. Sometimes too happy I think, too distracted that is because I can't focus on anything else sometimes. I must draw boundaries somewhere *mom quote*

So I was supposed to go to a friends bday today at supermarket...line was too long so we went to einsteins...
coming out of the washroom, i say to my best girl princess una tuna fish, "You know what would be really funny? If my ex was here with his girl cuz she used to do a live thing here..."

...and alas. There they were sitting in front of us. We say hi and that's it.


further more...catching up with more people from elementary's all coming together somehow...but for what reason?

I'm a bit lost in my life right now, I admit. Don't know about direction. What to do...but really, who does in this day and age?

I know I want to write. Perhaps this rekindling of connections will help me rediscover the real me.

it is, after all, the year of the cock ;)

(no subject)
So it's been a while...
I've been awfully busy - working + school.

I got an 88% on my last stats test *yay* :D

My birthday is next Sat Nov 12 - going off to the bedford BALLROOM and then dance cave (that is, if i'm mobile).

Reservations @ Bedford are for 9p if you're down.

Fell out of the long standing Joan/Abe crush.
Fell into one from 10 years ago *sigh* ahhh l'amour...or rather, infatuation? we'll see i suppose, only time will tell...

though i am trying to stay out of trouble, really.

much <3,

<3 to <3 on domestic violence
I went out last night with someone and had a heart to heart talk.

I met my mother in her and saw her in a different light...the real issues behind abused women.

I remember the powerful images from the documentary/movie Tama ba? Tama na!: Enough is Enough in which my mother played the leading lady.

I remember it was difficult for her to play it because it caused a lot of memories to resurface of her and my father. I was only 11/12 when she took up that project. I remember it so well. I remember understanding the issue, and wishing I was old enough to play her daughter. I remember playing the extra and doing cartwheels in my yellow pouffy dress.

It debuted at the Toronto Film Festival.

...Last night made me reflect upon what I want to do with my life. I'm almost 24 and have 2 possible options in my mind that I'd like to pursue. Law and writing. I want to help in the community...with something that hits close to home. Addictions, domestic violence, the filipino community, labour law...

What do I care most about? I have another couple years to figure it out before I'm done...but I know I want to work for the underdog. My aunt thinks I'm too socially conscious...compassionate.

I also am very interested in the mind and how it works... I know I want a challenge.

Only time will tell...

summer, boozin, [not] smokin'; a conversation with myself on dating and current situation.
It's been a while, hasn't it?

Summer's been a blast. The healthiest, and 2nd most fun summer ever (last year being the first though it was crazy, sick, and had not-so-great reprecussions).
Not much has been going on, chillin' and what not. Went camping the last week of August. Made some new best friends :)

I've consciously been cutting down on the drinking. Now it's only 1-3x/week rather than 3-6x/week. It's not summer summer anymore. Sure, weeks like this it's definately still patio time know what I'm sayin'. PLUS! School starts for me on Wednesday. I gotta recover those brain cells, you know?

I've also pretty much quit smoking! Only in social situations do i have a cigarette (i.e. mostly when consuming alcohol and others around me have smokes).

I will not ever buy a pack unless I owe people some lest certain persons throw, break, and hide them...

Found out someone really close to me is passing away and it's hard to watch, to bear...and the stress that filters down through the family can be more than frustrating -- People taking their anger out on also doesn't help that my manager at work is pregnant and due in a month...with her mood swings and all. And my sensitivity to it...

I'm doing my best not to let it affect me. Sometimes I pop ativans...the literal chill pill. It makes me drowsy though so it's not always ideal. But it's kinda like booze and pot in a pill in the sense it kinda makes everything go away temporarily :P

It's hard for me to talk about it to others because I don't want to be a downer, a burden. You know how I'm always a happy ball of wouldn't be good to be a negative ball of energy, would it? But friends are supposed to be there for you and stuff...blah. Anyways...

Been thinking of entering the dating scene again for the first time in 2 or so years, but I don't know how to go about doing it. I also do like someone a lot...but don't seem to see it materializing...because...well...stuff. It never works out with people I like, or so it seems.

'that's not true'

ok, you're right...but this time it's different. he's different. So to get over it, or off my mind...why not see other people?

'Because gynee...that'd be unfair to the other person'

true, but then how do i put an end to this (perhaps even more than an...) infatuation?

'ride it out. maybe something will come of it. maybe you're not ready for anything else. the right person will be able to sweep you off your feet and turn your eyes if he isn't already...'

>> who said talking to yourself is a bad thing?'re right. I guess with winter coming...I'd like someone to hibernate with. Also...i miss the little things again. Someone to watch a movie with...have a drink with whenever. A shoulder to rest my head on, a hand to hold, an arm to take -- A face to beam smile at. Someone's lap to lay on, someone's fingers running through my hair...quietly reassuring (without words) everything is going to be ok. The safety and security of being in someone's arms...someone who cares, and loves you. Nothing beats that.

'nothing but comfortable, confident independance. Sure it can get lonely sometimes...but at least life is easier, simpler...'

but is the simplicity and facility worth it? worth not having that? the greatest thing ever? companionship; love?

...and once again, the struggle ensues.

i want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real


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